The Lover and the Beloved

I am not feeling fine right now. I am struggling to make myself feel happy and moved on. Why do I feel lonely, lost, stuck?

I miss how I felt last January. I miss Henry – the Henry who was in love with Ann. I miss Ann – the Ann who was in love with him.

I think I understand what happened. I don’t want to question anything, anyone.

I believe in God. I believe in faith. I believe in prayer. I believe in purpose. I know reason. I know logic. I know reality.

I think it needs to happen. On some level, I am happy that it did.

It was not perfect.

On the way to the end, I was no longer happy. I was turned into a jealous, controlling, unreasonable, nagging being.

At the beginning I was not myself. I was afraid of making a mistake. I was too cautious that I wanted to BE perfect.

From the beginning until the end – I love him. I was the lover.

I’m not new to this feeling. I have been through worst before. I have felt crushed a thousand times over.

What is it about this time that makes it a little more difficult than the first when in truth and reality, the reason for the first is more painful and devastating?

Before, I lost my best friend, my lover, my partner, my comfort. Along with it, our hopes, dreams, plans, love. This time, what I lost was my beloved. Surely with it, I lost my hopes, dreams, plans, love.

Is it possible that losing a beloved is more painful than losing a lover?

Or is it the feeling of failure or missing a chance that makes me feel lonely, lost, stuck?

I believe in God. I believe in faith. I believe in prayer. I believe in purpose. I know reason. I know logic. I know reality.

I should be able to just understand, accept, walk away, move on.